It has not been an easy life for me. Born with speech impairment, communicating to others is already so hard for me. And I has always thought that, thankfully that is the only serious medical problem I might faced in my youth. How wrong I turn out to be...
Upon being expelled from Republic Polytechnic, I went to register for National Service (NS). As part of the process for registering for NS, I had to undergo a medical check-up.
And that was when the bombshell dropped. At the medical check-up, I discovered that there are holes in my heart. The doctor advised me to not to eat unhealthy food so as not to worsen the conditions. He also informed me that the situation is not as bad, as the hole in the heart can naturally close on it own, or with an operation. But there are still the worries of heart failure if the hole did not closed.
Naturally, I was shocked to discover it, but with the discovery, I also understand why I feel breathless at time even while resting. However, despite the medical condition, I was still posted to be a Combat Soldier in the Singapore Armored Regiment. The posting order give me hope that perhaps the condition is not as bad as I heard, although bouts of breathlessness still troubled me from time to time.
I went through Basic Military training, but often has to dropped out due to the breathlessness that caused me discomforts. Sometime pain will strike my heart, and I have to give up training. Eventually, I was posted to be a Clerk in an Artillery Unit.
As a Clerk, I do not need to any physical training, and as a result, I started gaining weight. And from just weighting 50kg, I went on to my all time high of 70kg worth of weight. But I did not let it bother me. Instead, I went for my annual heart check-up, and was informed by my doctor that I am completely cured.
So, I thought to myself that it seem like I don't need to workout to stay healthy. And I do not let my unhealthy lifestyle bother me, until one day....I find myself in so much pain from my heart, and that I can't seem to breathe.
That when I checked myself in to the hospital, and discovered that I am not really recovered yet. And, if I continue my unhealthy lifestyle, I will eventually die young from my heart failure.
And that is why since 7 months back, I always been so mindful of my health, working out regularly, and eating healthily.
Because, I don't want to die early, because I don't want to let my friends lose me, and because I am living my life for this girl that I break her heart back four/five years back with my selfish action back in poly.
While she is able to forgive me for what I did to her, I can never forgive myself for what I did to her. Breaking promises to her, breaking her truth in me, not being there for her when she need me.
It hurt me that I have hurt her so much. Even, if the physical pain in my heart heal, the mental pain in my heart will never heal, because I can never forgive myself for hurting.
I claim that I love you, but I probably never even deserve to love you in the first place. Because you are an angel.
There are some lines from this song from Korean group's beast that relate how I feel about you:
Rainy, cloudy, no light, darkness, day and night
Ever since you left, maybe my existence itself disappeared
Back in the day, there were sunny days, there were flashing lights
I was always by your side, I was there
Cause I’m shadow, shadow, shadow
Give me the light light light
You are ma ma ma sunrise
Without you, I’m nothing
You’re my last, you’re my last, until always, you’re my last
And yes, you will remain as my last love, Lena Fong Shi Qi, even though I don't deserve you.
